


If I Die Young

by angelsarewatching



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-15
Updated: 2013-09-15
Packaged: 2017-12-26 14:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/967261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsarewatching/pseuds/angelsarewatching
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: Dean is a recovering drug addict who was assigned Cas as his sober companion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Die Young

**Author's Note:**

> Ok I wrote this a while ago and I haven't had time to change it since then because I've been busy, but hope you like it!

September 15, 2012

"I'm Dean Winchester, and I've been clean for one month," I sputter out to the group in front of me sitting in little plastic blue chairs. Half of the people are trying not to fall asleep and the other half are twitchy and tapping their feet or fingers. I've been going to these group sessions for 2 months and it hasn't helped me a freakin' bit. They think hearing other people's problems are gonna make yours better or make you feel "not alone" and that's just bull.

"Dean, congratulations! Today you will be able to leave the rehab center and start with your sober companion. Every one congratulate Dean," the doctor said to the group as his hand gestures towards me.

"Congratulations, Dean," everyone replied with a monotonous tone.

"See you all in Hell," I say as I grin to the group. I stand up and brush aside the little plastic chair, almost causing it to fall over.

"Wait, Dean!" Alvie says with his over enthusiastic voice. I feel his hand grip my shoulder and turn me around so I'm facing him. I have to look down at him because he's short but well built. He's wearing his traditional worn down smiley face t-shirt. It's easy to tell he's Puerto-Rican because of his short dark hair and hollywoodian beard. There's this smirk always on his face like he knows something you don't. He's fun, relentless, and he just never shuts up. I can barely stand the sound of his voice anymore. I couldn't sleep at night because all he would do is talk about everything that came to his goddamned mind, but he did make the rehab experience better.

He's shifting from foot to foot and says to me, "Hey, you're gonna come visit me in here right, right?" He always talks as fast as lightning and his voice is filled with so much energy. I lost that energy a long time ago. I give him soft eyes, but don't say anything. "Yeah, yeah, no, it's okay. Once I get out maybe you can take me to the Grand Canyon; you said you always wanted to go there, right man!" I pause for a second and think about what to say. "Take your meds, Alvie," I say and walk away, leaving him hanging there.

No one's paying attention to us anymore, but I can feel Alvie's eyes staring into the back of my head, not knowing what to do in this limbo world of his at rehab. His mojo's gone for a second and when I leave, even though I don't look back, I know he's still standing in the same place staring at where I had left.

I exit the room's door and turn left onto a long hallway. My feet echo on the tile floor and break the silence around me. I stop at the large wooden door at the end of the hallway. The nameplate, "Castiel" is on it. That's the angel of Thursday's name or something like that because I remember reading about it once. They say he rescued the righteous man from Hell. Mythology always interested me, but most people just tell me that reading about things that aren't true will never get me anywhere in life. I wish I could show them that they were wrong, but that's for another day. Now that I think about it, maybe they were right.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I hear my fingers knock on his door, and I step into his office and see him sitting as his desk, reading my file. "Sit down, Dean," Castiel says. His voice surprises me; it's more gruff and deep than what his body presents. The closer I get, the more details I can see. He seems about 6 feet, though he's sitting down. He looks lean, but can probably pack a good punch. His eyes are the bluest I've ever seen; they're not ocean blue, but brighter. They're like an electric blue pool reflecting the shining sun. He's wearing a tan trench coat and a blue tie underneath. I take a seat and slouch down.

"Hi Dean, I'm Castiel, I'll be your sober companion. The first 2 weeks, I will stay at your place and monitor and test you. From there, we will see if I need to stay with you or not," he says. His face is hard to read and emotionless; he's watching my movements and me. There's a small glass rectangular holder on his desk full of caramel candies. I reach over and unwrap one and shove it in my mouth, savoring it.

"Great." I reply, mouth full of food and attempting the same poker face that he has. "Okay, how did you get into drugs and drinking?" he asks me. Our eyes connect for a second, his full of wonder and empathy. I look down to avoid more eye contact with the guy and shift in my seat. "Like any other guy, I'm just tired," I say, glancing up just once. I tell him only half of it because I refuse to think back at what happened, what had caused all this. I run away from it by using and drinking. Of course, I don't tell him that because that wouldn't be running away from it.

"Okay," he replies and looks back down at my file. He knows I'm not entirely telling the truth, but he doesn't push. "Why don't we go to your apartment then?" he says to me, tilting his head to the right a little. "Alright, but it only has one bed, so you're getting the couch. Oh, and one more thing, I need to make a phone call. Alone," I say. I grab a small handful of the caramel candies and leave the room, thankful to get out of there. He just nods and starts to put some things into his briefcase.

I walk out to the impala and sit on the hood. My finger is hovering over Sam's contact on my phone. Just do it. I press the number.

"Hello?" Sam answers. I miss that annoying, pain-in-the-ass voice of my little brother. The boy who I'd give the last bowl of lucky charms to, the boy who gave me hope in the darkness, and the boy who isn't a boy anymore.

"Hey Sam, remember me?" I say.

"Dean?" he says, with disbelief.

"Yeah, it's me Sammy. I'm out. Where are you?"

"Where am I? I'm in school, Stanford."

"Right, right. Law school. How's Jess!"

"We're getting married next month."

"Yeah, why wasn't I invited!"

"Dean, you've been in rehab. How are you doing, actually, man?"

"Fine. Fine."

"You always say that. You took her dea-"

"Sam, stop, ok. Yeah I know, but I'm all better. Why don't you come and visit me down here in Kansas City?"

"Sorry Dean, I gotta get my license. I'm busy, but I'll call, OK? If you ever need some one to talk to, I'm here."

"Wow Sam, you haven't changed a bit."

"Dean-" I hang up. I can hear his bitch face from here. Damn it Sam, why didn't he invite me? I stare out into the empty road as I try to keep my breathing slow. I stop myself from punching the impala, knowing that all it would do is hurt my hand. I see Castiel comes out with a hard silver suitcase and his brown briefcase.

"Hey Cas, just put your stuff in the trunk," I say, more detached. "Oh, and my car, my rules. You do not in any way mess up the car, understand?" I say forcefully, making sure he knows not to mess with my baby. He nods and gracefully gets in the passenger seat. I crank up the music, Back in Black is playing on the station. I smile and relax in the familiar seat and stench of the impala. There's a faint rattling noise, and I remember the legos Sam and I stuck back there, making me feel nostalgic for a second. I refuse to let myself be down, I'm free now. I start to sing along, feeling good for the first time in a while. I look back at Castiel and say, "One more thing, driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole!"

He looks at me and replies, "It's Castiel."

"It's Cas to me," I say and hit the gas. I roll down the windows and feel the breeze plaster my face and hair. I miss it so much. I look over to Cas, replacing the spot where Sam used to be. The wind is pushing his hair back, making it fly in all directions.

I pull up to the first McDonalds I see. I haven't had a good old-fashioned burger for what, a month? Man, I'm starving. I pull up at the drive through and order a big mac, large fries, and a milk shake. The whole car ride, Cas doesn't say anything. He just looks out the window with the same content look on his face.

I pull up to my apartment's parking lot and get out. I open the trunk for Castiel and start up to my apartment on the 3rd floor. The place doesn't have an elevator, so I have to take the stairs. It's dark and damp as I stride up the staircase, and I glance behind my shoulder to see Cas unsuccessfully lugging his bag up the steps. Without thinking, I step back down and grab his suitcase to help him up the stairs.

"Hey Cas, it's fine, I got it," I say to him. I don't know why, but I felt bad for the little nerdy dude.

"Thank you Dean," replies Cas with a small smile. By the time we get to my apartment, we're out of breath. I pull out my keys and brace myself for what state my apartment is going to be in. I haven't been in it for a month and didn't get time to clean up before I left. I slide them in and hear the click. I walk in the apartment and it isn't as bad as I expected. I never used in my own apartment, so it was clean of needles. The living room had a small brown couch with some of my clothes strewn all over it. I walk left into the kitchen to see a half-eaten hamburger and an empire state pile of dishes in the sink. I swing open the pantry door, hoping to find a stockpile of food. There are only two packages of ramen and a bag of potato chips. From the back, I hear the door close and Cas set down his suitcase. I open the refrigerator – empty except for some beers and rotted fruit. I go back out to the living room and give Cas a "what do you think" look.

"What?" I say innocently, reading his furrowed brow.

"You should clean up," he says.

"C'mon it's not that bad," I say as I toss some of the clothes into my room. I open the fridge to get rid of the fruit and Cas sees the beers.

"We need to get rid of those beers, I'll do that right away," Cas says hurriedly. I half expect him to down all 3 beers right in front of me, but he doesn't. He takes the beers out, empties them in the sink, and stores the glass. As he's finishing cleaning out the fridge, I walk out of the kitchen and to the left into a small hall way and into my bedroom on the right.

"Alright, I'm going to sleep. See ya tomorrow," I yell to him, and collapse on my bed. I fall asleep before I can hear a reply.

I open my eyes groggily and check the clock – 12:03PM. I grunt and trudge out to the living room where I see Castiel just sitting on the couch, back straight and staring at the blank TV screen.

"Dean, I need to test you," he says to me.

"Fine, give me the cup," I say. After he concludes I'm clean, I grab my keys.

"Where are you going?" Cas says.

"To get some food," I reply.

"Again?"

" I haven't had BBQ in a long time. I need my Jack Stack."

"Okay, I have to come with you. I've never had BBQ before."

"What! We live in the city with the best barbeque in the world, and you haven't had any? We need to change that now."

I practically pull him down the stairs and into my car. I can't believe this guy has never had barbeque! I am not living with a man who hasn't had barbeque.

"Dean, I'm not sure this is a good idea. I'll just stick to my-" Cas says hopelessly. I'm not letting him get away that easy.

"Trust me, you'll love it," I say back and give him a devilish grin. We pull into the half-full parking lot of Jack Stack. We walk into the dark, smoky place and get in line. The place looks like and old diner from the 50's with the checkered floors and small tables and booths. The smell of ash and stench of meat fills your nose and pulls you in, making your mouth water.

"Cas, I'll order for you. Nothing too much, just a pulled-pork sandwich and some fries," I reassure him. He nervously looks around and swallows. He looks up at me and our eyes meet each other. I don't look away this time and he says, "Okay Dean, whatever you say."

"Next!" The waiter calls. I walk up to him and order.

"Two pulled pork sandwiches with fries. Oh, and extra sauce."

"Names?"

"One for me, Dean, and one for my nerdy friend over here, Spock."

"Okay, wait over there for your order. Next!"

I walk over to wait for our meals and tell Cas to find us a table to sit at. His usual grace is gone as he awkwardly weaves through the chairs to a table and sits down by the window, but the blinds are closed so it's kind of pointless.

"Dean! Spock!" The man calls out. I walk up to him and grab our trays.

I set the trays down at the table Cas chose. "Dean, I think you got it wrong. My name is not Spock," he says to me.

"I know, but Castiel is too long, man. Plus, you have the whole Spock vibe to you," I reply, knowing full well he doesn't know who Spock is. He squints at me and says, "Who's spock?" I roll my eyes.

"Just shut your Vulcan mouth and eat," I say.

"How do I eat without opening my mouth?" Cas replies, tilting his head. I can't tell if he's being sassy or serious. My fingers pinch the bridge of my nose as I close my eyes and shake my head.

"Order up," I tell him and bite into my barbeque sandwich. Heaven on a bun. Castiel timidly nibbles a small bite away.

"Dean, how do you eat this without your hands getting dirty?" Cas says with barbeque sauce all over his fingers from the dripping sandwich.

"You don't," I say, and take another big bite.

"Let me ask you, how have you not had barbeque?" I say, actually curious.

"I lived in a small town and just moved here. Don't worry though, I've had many patients in my home town," he replies. He takes a bigger bite of the pulled pork sandwich and closes his eyes, enjoying the food. I laugh, watching him get barbeque sauce all over his mouth.

"So, tell me about you, Dean," Cas says, the sauce still on his face.

"Quid pro quo, how about you tell me about you and I'll tell you about me."

"Okay, well, I grew up with a big family, lots of brothers and sisters, more than I can count."

"Really?" I say.

"No, I had 5. A younger sister, a younger brother, and 3 older brothers. Two of my brothers are very loyal to my dad, but the rest are cast outs and rebellious."

"Oh. What are you then?" I ask, interested in his answer. He pauses for a moment and replies with, "I don't know." Helpful.

"All right, I have this brother, Sam. I've taken care of him since he was little cause' our dad was gone a lot. It's been my job. Now, he's smarter than me and he needs to take care of me, and I think he doesn't want me as a part of his life."

"This happens a lot, family shutting you out. It does get better if you show them that you've changed," Cas says with concern in his voice. I can't hold back a chuckle, watching this man with barbeque sauce on his face trying to be serious.

"Hey man, you've got a little…something there," I say, pointing to the corners of his mouth. He gets a little red and wipes it off with a napkin. I finish my sandwich as Cas is taking the last bite of his. Maybe these weeks aren't going to be all that bad.

September 19, 2012

I pant as and lean over as I swing open the door to my apartment. "Dean, were you…racing me?" Cas asks me, right behind me. I shake my head, still out of breath. "No…" I say, my voice getting higher. I pause for a second and then say, "But I won."

Cas heads to the kitchen for a glass of water as I plop down on the couch. We just got back from Loose Park, and I taught Cas how to throw a Frisbee. He ended up being much better than I thought and is a fast learner. We played some Frisbee for a while until we got tired and sat on a bench. Castiel would start making up stories about the runners passing by us.

"I'm taking a shower, don't eat the pie!" I yell to him and then take a nice long shower. I get out of the bathroom in my boxers and briskly wipe the towel over my head, drying my hair. I start heading towards my pie but start to hear strange noises coming from the living room. Very strange, like moans. I slowly make my way over to the living room and see Cas watching some of my porn. I sigh and say, "Okay, you don't watch porn with other guys."

Castiel's eyebrows and furrowed and looks up at me. "It was there," he says. I see a small bulge in his crotch area and make my way to the kitchen, quickly. "Great, now you've got a boner," I mutter to myself. I grab my pie and quickly make my way out of there, gladly avoiding the situation, or as much of it as I can.

September 22, 2012

"Alright Cas, time to take you to the best place on the planet," I say.

"Is it the Nelson Atkins Art Museum because I've always wanted to go there!" replies Cas.

"No it's not some art museum. It's an amusement park- Worlds of Fun!"

"Oh. Okay, sounds fun," he says without any enthusiasm whatsoever.

"Wow Cas, could you be any more excited?" I say sarcastically. It's a short 40-minute ride to the place. Cas pulls out a book and starts to read.

"Hey Dean, knock knock," Cas says.

"Uhh, who's there?" I reply. Is Cas trying to make a joke?

"Little old lady."

"Little old lady who?" I say back.

"Gee, I didn't know you could yodel." he says, furrowing his brows.

I pause for a second, then stifle out a laugh. I pull the book out from under him and glance at the title: 50 Jokes From Around the World.

"Cas, you're reading a joke book?" I say, unbelieving.

"What, I found it on your book shelf," he says. I shake my head and let him keep going.

"What happened when the cow tried to jump over the barbed-wire fence? Udder destruction."

"Oh god Cas, puns are the worst," I say, smiling.

"Hey Cas, I got an anti-joke for you. Why did the kid drop his ice cream?"

"I don't know. Why?" Cas replies.

"Because he got hit by a bus," I say. There's an awkward pause and then Cas says, "I don't see how that's funny."

"It's an anti-joke. It's like, the opposite of funny," I reply. He lets out a low chuckle, and then another. And now he's laughing for no reason, making me laugh. Tears are almost coming out of both of our eyes, and I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself.

"Shut up Cas, I'm trying to drive!" I say to him. I playfully hit him on the shoulder and then turn on the radio. Eye of the Tiger blasts. Cas turns to look at me.

"Hey Dean," he says.

"Yeah?" I reply.

"Two guys walk into a bar. Knock knock."

I pull out of the highway and into the theme park. Parking is expensive, but totally worth it. I drag Cas out of the car and he offers me some sunscreen.

"Sunscreen, really?" I say to him. He tells me that it's for protection from skin cancer or something and quickly smears it all over his face and arms.

"C'mon Cas!" I whine. He tosses the sunscreen into the seat of the impala and follows me down the long winding road to the entrance of the park. I look over at him as he watches some of the roller coasters run. I see a smudge of sunscreen on the left side of his face by his jaw line. I stop myself from putting my hand up to rub it away and say, "Hey, you have some sunscreen right there," and point towards his jaw. He tries to rub it away but doesn't quite get it. I let my hand go up to his face and rub the sunscreen away. His skin is rough where he has a little stubble, but soft where there is none. I rub it away gently and see his eyes fill with surprise. He looks up at me and our eyes meet, but I can't hold it and look away as I feel my face start to get hot.

"Thank you, Dean," Cas says to me.

"Yeah whatever, just give them your ticket," I say, trying to avoid the subject. We enter the park and a man jumps in front of us with a camera.

"Smile!" he says to us. I give a goofy smile and give Cas bunny ears. The man hands us a ticket to use so we can buy the pictures when we leave. I lead Cas through the maze of people and sweat quickly forms on my face and neck. We make our way to The Mamba.

"Don't worry Cas, it's just a 200ft drop," I reassure him. His face is still but tense. He swallows and looks over at me with big fearful eyes.

"Dean, are you sure this is safe?" He says to me, looking up at the carts dropping down. The lines aren't long, and I pull Castiel over to the line for the second cart from the front. "You'll be fine," I say to him. We are at the front of the line, and I can see his breath quickening.

"Cas, man up. I won't hold your hand, alright," I say as I watch him grab the railings tightly, making his knuckles turn white. I glance down at his hands and stop myself from grabbing them. I imagine they're sweaty and clammy, but I also imagine they're soft and fragile. His fingers will interlace with mine and fit perfectly with each other. The gates open up, letting us into the cart. I gently grab the back of his hand and wrist and lead him into the cart. We strap in and pull the lap bar down. The whole time Castiel doesn't say a word and it looks as if he is sleepwalking. We start moving up to the top of the drop. My own heart pace quickens because I can never get used to suspense of the drop. I suddenly realize that I'm still holding Cas's hand and quickly let go. His face doesn't change. He looks out as we move up, seeing everything get smaller and smaller.

"Cas, this is the worst part. Don't look out if you're scared, just look at me," I say to him. He slowly turns to look at me.

"Dean, I-" then we fall. And fall. And fall. I scream, and I can hear Cas next to me screaming too. Then, it's over and we're going back up to fall back down again. The whole ride Cas is screaming and then we come to a stop. I look over at him, his hair in all directions. His mouth is slightly open and his eyes are wide with excitement. We come to a full stop and the lap bar moves up and we get out. The whole way down the stairs, he doesn't say anything, and I'm kind of scared to ask. When we get to the bottom, Cas lightly touches my shoulder. I stop walking and look at him.

"Dean," he says to me.

"Yes?" I reply.

"Can we do that again?" he asks. I can't hold back a smile and nod a little bit.

"Alright, Cas." I can see him return the smile back to me. I walk him through all the rollercoasters, and each one, while we move up, he tells me, "Dean, we're going to die, we're going to die," and at the end, he tells me, "Dean, lets do that again." Half way through, we pass one of those stupid arcade games, and Castiel sees a large stuffed unicorn as a prize.

"Dean-"

"NO," I say to him. He looks up at me with big princess, puppy dog eyes, but I stay put.

"Please?" he says to me, quietly. I huff out a breath.

"Fine," I say and grumpily walk over to the man in the funny Worlds of Fun hat.

"How much?" I ask him. It's a shooting game. If you shoot down three targets, you win a big prize. It looks easy enough.

"3 dollars for 3 shots," he says to me. I reluctantly give him three dollars and Cas sits down at the seat. The game starts and the targets start moving all over the place and lights start flashing. Cas shoots three times. The first two miss, and the third nicks one of the targets. He turns around and shrugs.

"Hey, get me another three," I say to the man working there. He sets everything up and the targets start to move. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Pop. Pop. Pop. I shoot off the three rounds and look up: three targets down. The man's eyebrows are raised and he looks surprised.

"Wow, nice shooting man. You get to choose a big prize," he says to me, impressed.

"I'll take the unicorn," I say to him. He gives me a weird look, but takes down the unicorn.

"Thanks. C'mon Cas, let's go get something to eat."

"But…how did you-" he says.

"Lets go somewhere with pie," I say back to him. It's a short walk to a restaurant, but we get a lot of weird looks. It doesn't matter though, because Cas is happy and that's what matters. We order some pizza and sit down outside in the shade.

"How did you do that?" Cas asks me. I don't like talking about it, but I tell him anyways. I let myself swallow down a large bite of pizza and start.

"When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to hunt. That's all he did, really. Hunt animals, sell them, and drag us around with him," I tell him.

"What did you hunt?" he asks. I pause and think about what to say.

"Everything," I say coldly. "I was amazing. He'd tell me that I was a natural. We'd shoot down our own dinner, and he'd teach me how to gut it and skin it. And you know what, I didn't feel bad. Not one bit." I take a deep breath and calm myself. I can feel my throat knot up because I haven't told this to anyone, and here I am, telling some guy that I've known for a week in an amusement park. "And when Sammy started to hunt, I'd teach him. Dad always told me to watch out for him, that he's not a natural like me. We'd go out and shoot, and he could hit every target I set up on trees. But when it came to animals, he'd set up, aim, but he could never shoot. I'd always shoot for him and tell dad that it was Sam. He could never hurt a poor animal, but why could I? I feel like Sam was always better than me in a way, ya know? And he is, going to law school and all. I always made fun of him for being a nerd, but I was jealous," I pour out to Cas. He's quiet for a minute, and then replies,

"I'm sorry, Dean. You didn't deserve that, but you are a great older brother, taking care of him like that. You say you grew up without your mom, I was the same. I didn't know who she was or what she looked like. My dad, I never saw him either. I'd only hear stories of him from my older brothers. When I ask them where he is, they say he's taking a break. I always had faith that he would come back one day, to help us, but he never did. Many lost faith in our dad, but some are still loyal. I don't even know if he's alive," Castiel says to me. I choke down the last piece of pizza and down the rest of my coke. Cas has only nibbled at part of his second piece. I don't blame him.

"I'm sorry Cas, I'm sorry that you're broken," I say to him. He doesn't respond, and I keep going.

"My mom…my mom died in a house fire when I was 4. Man, I miss her so much. She was so beautiful, and I remember she'd always cut the crust off my sandwiches. Every night, she'd tell me angels are watching over me. Actually, that's the last thing she said to me," I tell him. I remember when I first saw Cas's name on that nameplate by his door that it was an angel's. That seemed so long ago. I decide to tell him now.

"You know, your name is also an angels name. Thursday's Angel, I think," I tell him.

"How do you know that?" He asks me, tilting his head a little.

"I'm into mythology, that's all," I say.

"Do you consider me your angel, Dean?" he asks me. I try to read his face, which is always hard to do. I'm not sure what emotion I'm looking for, but, like always, his face is unreadable.

"I don't know," I reply. His eyes drop down a little and he barely nods. I grab his slice of pizza off his plate a shove it in my mouth.

"Hey!" He says accusingly.

"Sorry, too slow," I say to him as I swallow down the last bite. I look back at Cas, grin a little, and say, "Lets get me some pie."

After pie, I lead him through the rest of the coasters. By 4:00, he looks exhausted, and so am I. We start to head towards the exit when I remembered that ticket for the picture we took at the beginning.

"Hold on, Cas," I say to him as I jog over to the booth and pull out the ticket. I hand it to the guy and he shows me our picture. Cas has a nervous smile on and I have a huge grin. My two fingers poke above Cas's head, giving him bunny ears. He's wearing one of my old black ACDC t-shirts I lent him, and I have on a KC School of Rock shirt on, but not drenched in sweat. It's the best picture I've ever seen. I pay the extremely overpriced amount for the picture and walk over to Cas, holding it up and showing him. He squints at it and then opens his mouth like he's about to say something, and then laughs.

"This is a prize picture," I say to him. He takes it from me and examines it closely. "I like it," he says. We leave the park and collapse into the impala. Cas tosses the unicorn in the backseat. I drive off to the apartment as he slowly drifts off in the seat by me.

"Why is this car so important to you?" Cas asks me, half-awake.

"It's my dad's. Now go to sleep," I tell him. By the time I finish the sentence, he's already out cold. He looks so innocent sleeping there. His head is leaning back against the doorframe, his mouth is slightly open, and I can hear his shallow breathing. His eyes are closed and lightly, his hair messy. He looks peaceful.

By the time I get to my apartment, I can barely keep my eyes open. I sit in the impala, looking at Cas, wondering if I should wake him. I decide not to and quietly get out and open his door. Carefully, I take him out and carry him all the way up the stairs. I manage to open the door to my apartment, almost dropping Cas trying to get my keys. I gently lay him down on my bed and cover him up. I want to lay down next to him and be there when he wakes up, but I don't. I collapse on the couch, tired from carrying him up all the way. My eyes dart toward the fridge, wanting a beer. Cas is asleep, so I can sneak out and get one. Just one. No, I tell myself. Drinking is what got me stranded from Sam and ruined my life. I won't do it. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. In seconds, I'm asleep.

I feel someone shaking me and I turn around on the couch and grunt. I hear the threatening swish of the curtains open and my eyes burn from the sunlight. I bury my head in the pillow and refuse to get up. I feel Castiel rattling me awake and I turn around and fall on the floor. I moan and very slowly get up and make my way over the kitchen tp see Cas making coffee. Like me, he's not fully awake either. His hair's just as bad as mine and he's in his red underwear. "Can't we just order pizza," I whine.

"Dean, it's ten in the morning, of course you can't," Cas says to me. "I'll cook so you don't have to," Cas says, seeing me with my head down on the dining table.

"Great," I mutter out, just audible enough for him to hear. I can hear Cas cracking eggs and stirring up a bowl of pancake batter.

"Are you sure you can do this?" I can ask him. He looks up at me and replies with uncertainty, "Of course, Dean." He pours the batter onto the pan and waits for it to bubble. I grab a bag of chocolate chips from the panty and dump it onto the pancake before Castiel can stop me. "What's a pancake without a little chocolate?" I say and give a small nod. Cas squints and looks over at me, but doesn't say anything. He slides the spatula under the pancake and quickly turns his hand over, trying to flip it. He doesn't do it fast enough and it folds in on itself half way through. I let out a small chuckle and say, "Cas, let me show you how it's done." We pour the batter in again and of course, I drizzle in the chocolate chips. "Now, this is how it's done," I say to him.

I lightly grab his forearm, my other hand resting on his shoulder. I lead his arm and put the spatula beneath the pancake. His forearm is strong and firm under my touch. "1, 2, 3," I say and flip it on three. It was perfect. Cas turns around and looks up at me. His blue eyes catch my green ones and the world stops around us. I wonder what secrets and what joys lay beyond those eyes of his. They hold so much emotion, yet they're so empty. I look at him with soft eyes and we get lost in each other for a moment. All the pain I buried deep down inside of me floats away like a cloud and Cas is the ray of sunshine lighting me up. I don't look away; I can't.

The pancake makes a ptsssss sound and we look down at the now burnt pancake. "Ah, shit," I say and throw that one out. The rest of the morning we properly made pancakes and ate them. Cas tells me his brother's, Gabriel's, pranks, and let me tell you, they were top of the line pranks. I would tell him about legends I've learned about and we lost track of time.

September 25th, 2012

I'm laying on the couch, not really doing anything. Cas is at the table, reading some papers. I sigh and put a finger inside my cheek and pop it out so it makes a bop noise. And then I do it again, and again and again, until finally Castiel says to me, "Dean, really."

I look at him and decide it's time to introduce him to Star Wars. "Cas, sit down. It's time for me to show you the best documentaries that's ever been made."

"Documentaries? I didn't know you watched those," he says with confusion.

"I don't. They're movies, but you'll love them." I grab a blanket it and toss it at him. If we are having a movie marathon, we're doing it right. I slide some popcorn into the microwave and let it pop. I listen to the kernels as I watch Cas curl up on the couch and pull the blanket over himself. The first day he was here, I thought maybe I could ignore him. Now, I enjoy his company. He is very peculiar, and he just does what he thinks is right. The microwave beeps and I take the popcorn over to the couch. I put in Star Wars IV: A New Hope, and let it roll. Castiel is now sitting criss-cross on my couch. I settle down next to him and slouch back.

"Hogger," I say, as I tug the blanket over me but leaving enough to cover Cas. I can feel his warmth radiating off him, his eyes intent on the screen. I shove some popcorn in my mouth, tasting the buttery delight. I glance back at Castiel. The light from the screen leaves his face as a shadow, outlining his features. I've learned a lot about this man over the past few days and have had more fun than I've had in a while. I know he has his secrets, and he knows I have mine. Every one has their own sob story, and I want to know his.

"That was...better than I thought," Cas says after the movie. There was a pause, and then Cas continues, "It's not that late, there's time for another." I let out a laugh and can't hold back my smile as I slide in the second one. I let the previews roll and lay down on the couch. Cas shifts awkwardly as my feet lay on his lap. I've done this with girls dozens of times, except they're usually the one laying down.

"C'mon Cas, get comfy," I say. He slowly lies down so his feet are at my head and my feet are at his. Somehow, my body and his fit together like a puzzle. I can tell he's never done this before, but I guess in a way, neither have I.

"Hey Cas, you tickilish?" I ask him, grinning. His deep blues eyes widen and fill with fear, realizing what I'm going to do before he can pull away. I grab his feet and start tickling them, and Cas starts squirming, trying to hold back his laughter. He can't any longer and starts giggling uncontrollably, yelling, "Stop, Dean, stop!" The sight of Castiel showing so much emotion makes me start to laugh. My body suddenly feels warm, like drinking a hot bowl of soup, and I have a moment of pure bliss, of feeling like I fit in. My grip loosens a little, and Cas wriggles out and jumps on me.

"No, don't you dare. I'll kill you if you-" My sides are being brushed by Cas's warm fingers and I can't contain the laugh I try to swallow down. I squirm and try to get away, but Cas is sitting on top of me, pinning me down. My painful laugh fills the room and Cas has a devilish smile on his face, knowing he's cracked my "tough guy" look. The only thing that saves me is the start of the movie.

"Cas, I'm going to kill you one day," I say to him as we settle back to how we were.

"Today is not that day, Dean," says Cas.

"Does this always happen?"

"Does what always happen?"

"Do you become, friends or whatever, with your clients?"

"You think we're friends?"

"Only if you do."

"Yes. And no. This usually does not happen."

"That makes me special then, huh?"

"Yes Dean, I guess it does."

"You a virgin Cas?"

"It's Castiel." he says.

"It's Cas to me," I say as I nod off to sleep, making sure the last thing I see is the silhouette of the man that brought me back to life.

I wake up to the smell of something burning. I bolt upright, making me feel nauseous for a second. I try to remember where I am – the living room on the couch. Cas is gone. I trudge over to the kitchen and see him in my "kiss the cook" apron. He looks up at me. His hair is a tousled mess and eyes a bit red.

"How long did you sleep?" I say. He didn't reply.

"Oh. You didn't sleep," I say, realizing that all my Star Wars DVDs are out.

"I tried to make breakfast – scrambled eggs," Cas says.

"Yeah, tried. Why don't you leave the cooking to me," I say, pulling the spatula out of his hand.

"Okay Dean, it's been 2 weeks since I was first assigned you. You have been doing very well. All your tests are clean and you have shown no signs of decline. I need to stay an extra to make sure you're stable enough when I leave, so I believe it is time for you to get a job."

"A job?" I say.

"A job."

**Author's Note:**

> I was gonna have a lot more chapters because I have the whole thing planned in my head and it's so heart breaking, but I've been really busy, so I don't know if the rest is coming. Thanks, hope you liked it!


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